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Lexi Goes “Down The Shore”.

Monday, August 11th, 2014

I can spend hours discussing gay porn with my dear friend Lexi Lampre‘, so it’s always exciting when she writes a review for us at GayHotMovies.com. This weekend however, we will not be having our usual Sunday appointment at our local, and I am OUTRAGED! How dare Lexi think that she can just pack up and go down to the shore with two other homo’s on board. Have fun at your conference and lounging by the pool with your muscled, bronzed, oiled up, perfectly coiffed eye candy Lexi, I’ll be at my mother’s for a picnic! Send pics of the hunky C’s in their Speedos (it’s the least you can do).

 We all know they’re over (thank god) but the cast of “Jersey Shore” certainly made an impact, and by impact I mean my head making contact with anything blunt available to drown out their vapid world known existence. They’ve been scrutinized and criticized globally, made a mockery of, and despised by anyone who once treasured the shore. I digress, let’s talk about the insanely worked out guidos of the show plagued with rampant narcissism. Oh they were douche bags, but in some weird way A LOT of guys out their wouldn’t have minded getting fucked by those Ed Hardy wearing tools. I cannot say that I for one found any of them attractive. It turned out to be perfect fodder for a gay parody, and since it’s still summer and Lexi is on her way down the shore, I present…

*Too Pauly D’s dismay…

Jersey Score

 

I’m off to Atlantic City next week for a conference, so I decided to do some research on local customs and inhabitants in preparation. The Otter suggested I watch a bit of Jersey Score and I assure you, it was an excellent suggestion.

 

Jersey Score is meant to be a parody of….wait for it…Jersey Shore, the popular reality show which ran on MTV from 2009-2012. Had the real Jersey Shore had this much great sex in it, it would likely have been nominated for an Emmy and would still be on air.

 

The movie starts in The Stimulation’s bedroom. A young man who I was originally going to name Ed Hardy due to the now retro t-shirt he was sporting enters the scene, but alas, almost everyone in this movie is a slave to retro Ed Hardy fashion. We’ll just call him spiky hair.

 

Spiky hair is apparently interested in a room The Stimulation has advertised for rent. Spiky hair is asked if he’s prepared to leave a pretty big deposit. Now, of course, The Stimulation makes it clear, “no I’m not gay, but I’m not stupid either…a hot piece of ass is a hot piece of ass.”

*Suuuuuuuure…..

Discussion ensues on how these fabulous bodies are made, a bit of protein and proper form when doing squats. The Stimulation observes spiky hair’s squat technique, which is wide and low. The Stimulation is not just admiring spiky hair’s form, but his ass as well.

 

I cannot emphasize enough the advantages to gay porn…two cocks…one frame.

 

It turns out that deposit involves getting on your knees and sucking a big delicious uncut cock. But again The Stimulation assures our spiky haired friend that it’s cool, he’s not gay…just missing his girlfriend.

*Incase you wanted to know, Spiky Hair is Andrew Blue. He bulked up a bit for this role!

While our spiky haired friend is deep throating and gagging on The Stimulation’s cock, The Stimulation is staying in character by constantly flexing those big guns. This impresses me only because spiky hair is giving an amazing performance sucking that beautiful cock. He clearly wants the room.

 QUICK BREAK!

*Let’s talk about something I discovered while screening this film to find images for Lexi’s post.

*What does this mean?!?!?!?

*I mean, he is kind of hot…

*Turns out my hunch was right, our “Stimulation” played by Dean Coxx, is a Philly boy.

Good casting Jetset, got someone who knows the shore, you did good.

*Which left me a little confused. Dean is uncut (love that!) we’ll get to it later…

Soon The Stimulation is on his back on the ottoman, legs in the air spread wide while spiky hair tentatively starts eating him out. Although he’s not tentative for very long.

 Ladies I cannot begin to stress the importance of yoga and flexibility. If you want your man to do this for you, and you do, you’re going to need to have those legs in the air and spread wide for him for the duration.

 

Note to self: Get the ottoman out of the garage and back in the living room ASAP.

*There was a dog ottoman in Disney’s “Beauty & The Beast“.

 

Apparently this deposit thing works both ways because soon the Stimulation is living up to his name sucking on spiky hair’s huge cut dick. I think The Stimulation sums it up well when he says, “that’s a nice fucking dick.”

 

Spiky hair is also getting a lesson on the proper way to go about eating someone out with enthusiasm. This is the part in the movie where you will come just watching as the director has discovered some new movie magic that makes the viewer feel the action…every delicious lick.

 

By this point spiky hair wants it so damn bad, as do I. I suddenly find myself watching this scene in the downward dog position. While The Stimulation is taking it easy on spiky hair’s ass while fucking him, I find his consistency in rhythm to be quite impressive.

 

Soon spiky hair is on his back, legs in the air and The Stimulation is demonstrating his impressive squat technique. For the men who are reading this here is a public service announcement. Start doing at least 100 squats a day. Your partner will thank you for it.

 

Now apparently The Stimulation’s girlfriend has been away for a quite while because he shoots a rather impressive load that covers Spiky Hair from pubes to pecs.

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*Now we cum back to Dean Coxx’s uncut man meat.

You see, I was just a little confused when I saw that Liberty Bell tattoo, most american men are cut (which is a damn shame, because I fuckin love foreskin!) So why would you have this icon tattooed on your arm?

This might be the answer…

Philadelphia has a very high concentration of old school Roman Catholic Italian families…

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*Perhaps I have solved the mystery, then again I could be TOTALLY wrong!!!!

 

On to Scene II which we’ll call GTL – (Jersey lingo for the three priorities in life…Gym, Tanning and Laundry)

 

Now’s here’s where we run into the everyday problems of a bunch of men living together. One bathroom and roommates who spend way too much time doing their hair.

 

Somehow this is solved by a bit of wrestling that quickly turns into a cock sucking threesome. Why, because sometimes two dicks are better than one…okay, all the time…two dicks are always better than one.

*Like Double Dick Dude?

Our Midwestern looking friend, we’ll call him Missouri (Trent Diesel?) does such a great job on his knees that in no time this little sucking scene turns into a more traditional sucking and fucking threesome that we all know and love.

 

 

*Trent Deisel

Our genius cameraman delights with a wonderful floor level artistic shot of three sets of balls swaying in perfect harmony.

Missouri is clearly inspired by the balls deep pounding his ass is getting, because he is sucking the living shit out of the really big cock guy. I normally try to leave the adverb “really” out of my writing, but I need to differentiate somehow between him and the guy who’s fucking Missouri as he has a big cock too. However, this other guy’s cock is impossibly large, and there is no way anyone could get that entire thing in their mouth although Missouri is doing is best. One has to wonder if his mind is not wandering to what it’s going to feel like when his two friends switch positions.

*Those balls belong to “Mr. Really Big Cock” Josh Logan

 

Yeah, my sentiments exactly Mr. Really Big Cock…I can’t wait anymore for you to fuck that ass either.

While our first fucker watches, Mr. Really Big Cock proves that size does in fact matter. Missouri cannot help but beg for more. Sadly Mr. Really Big Cock gives way to the first fucker. One can only assume that Mr. Really Big Cock is just way to fucking big to fuck anyone for too long. I have to say; he is a bit intimidating.

 

*First fucker, Kevin Cavalli

Now I have to criticize a bit here, and it’s a good time because Mr. Really Big Cock is no longer fucking anyone, so it’s a perfect time to reflect. Guys, when you are fucking, take off your sneakers. Naked men in bare feet are so way sexier than naked men in sneakers or reef shoes. Men who are wearing clothing are sexier in bare feet than men in clothing wearing sneakers. Just take off the damn shoes when you’re in the house.

 

Scene Three….The Bar. (Our roommates are all now hanging at the bar drinking colorful drinks and doing shots.)

 

As with any bar at the Jersey shore soon the friends are flexing their biceps and pecs and showing off their abs. A mysterious and very hot stranger watches from the wings clearly intrigued and impressed with this display of manliness.

 

A fight ensues over which roommate the intrigued stranger was checking out? Mr. Really Big Dick punches his Guido friend (the hot stranger’s term for him, not mine). It turns out the intrigued stranger is down from Princeton. He offers to buy a drink for our punched out Guido, but Guido has other ideas…. ideas such as Princeton sucking his dick in the middle of the bar. Oh, come on, admit it. We’ve all wanted to do that. No? Maybe just me then.

 

*Mysterious stranger, Hayden Stevens

*Jarred King & Hayden Stevens

 

I’m guessing by how beautifully sculpted Princeton’s body is, he was on the tennis team rather than the golf team. Now, for some reason these two are not attracting any attention from the others despite the fact that Guido is on the stage getting his amazingly long cut dick expertly sucked off by Princeton.

 

*Guido would be Jarred King

Soon it’s Princeton’s turn, “Yeah, suck that dick Jersey boy. Suck that dick like you’re sucking down one of those drinks. That’s a real cocktail huh.”

One could spend weeks tracing Princeton’s veins in his huge cock with one’s tongue. This boy does not lack in girth or length. It is not at all in proportion to his lithe taught body. He is the poster child for “big man on campus.” Please tell me Guido is a bottom. Please tell me someone brought lube with them.

 

Wait For It…

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Life is not fair; Princeton is a bottom, but perhaps it’s nature way of saving assholes everywhere from abuse. The good news is; Princeton likes to top from the bottom. He’s got a bit of nasty dominance in him that I so love. One can delight in watching Princeton lower himself onto Guido’s fabulously long cock inch by delicious inch.

 

At this point, it’s really hard to tell who is fucking whom? The band stage turns out to be a perfect setting for them as the sound of flesh and balls slapping flesh is music to the ears. Yeah, Princeton may be the one stuffed with cock but he’s a top if I ever saw one.

 

Scene Four – You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.

 

The Stimulation is wheeling and dealing now with the bartender who wants to close up, with the idea of a little after hours Stimulation. Like a proper gentleman, he starts slow…making out and showing off his biceps and abs. Fuck, forget romance, let’s get those jeans off! You have a perfectly good bar and bar stools waiting to be the perfect dirty sex props.

 

 

*Bartender, Derrick Vinyard.

Our bartender wisely leaves his jeans on when he gets on his knees to suck some Stimulation. He’s clearly done this before and knows how sticky that floor can get. The Stimulation, on the other hand, when it’s his turn is pantsless and one wonders if his knees will stick to the floor. But alas, our boy is not all brawn and no brains…he’s in full squat position while he sucks on the bartender’s huge beautiful cut cock. He tries his best, but there is no way a mere human can get that whole thing in his mouth.

 

After much sucking, he decides to bend the bartender over the bar and give him the ass eating of a lifetime before he actually fucks him.

 

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Public service announcement: If you’re going to try the kneeling on stools bent over the bar getting fucked position, be sure to note if they are swivel stools or stationary before some lucky guys starts eating you out. I believe it’s an OSHA rule.

*Now Back to your regularly scheduled smut.

Stimulation warns, “Hold on to the bar for dear life, because you’re going to get hammered.” Yes, please, enough of this gentle lovemaking. Fuck like you mean it. A little ass slap never hurt either…or…well, you know what I mean. The Stimulation does as promised and gives that bartender’s ass a good reaming. It makes me wish I had a prostate.

*FUCK HIM HARD DEAN!!!! 

I’m not sure at this point if the bartender is in ecstasy or pain…and for me those two are one in the same. A boy after my own heart, he begs for The Stimulation to go deeper. You know you’re doing a good job when your fuckee says I can’t take it anymore, come all over my body.

 

I think I am now adequately prepared and looking forward to my trip to Atlantic City. I think I still have that Ed Hardy scarf buried in a drawer somewhere. If nothing else, it will make for some good bondage material. Now I’m off to do some yoga and get in a few squats to make sure I’m fully prepared for what’s in store.

Let’s give our guest a round of applause for yet another great guest review. It’s still summer, and there is plenty of time to get yourself “down the shore” and if you’re planning on doing so, check out “Jersey Score” right here on GayHotMovies.com! Again, thank you Lexi Lampre, you can read more of her erotica on LexiLampre.com and by following her on Twitter at @LexiLampre. For more great posts, pictures, and smut follow me  on Twitter @Otter_Holt and on Facebook.

-The Otter

 

Real House Husbands Of Miami – Friday Fuck!

Friday, September 20th, 2013

Real House Husbands Of Miami

I’m not into parodies at all, I think they’re dumb. Just show me some hot fucking without any lame music track so I can hear them grunting and groaning. Kthanks. But I decided to check out Real House Husbands of Miami cause I saw Angel Rock is in it and I can’t get enough of that baby face..

So, hot fucking? Yep! Though the use of the dildo is scene 2 annoys me, I would much rather see a daisy chain of fucking, spit roast, ANTHING other than one guy getting fucked while fucking another guy with a dildo. But the next scene totallllly makes up for it with Joey Cooper workin Angels cock while he just stands there and lets Joey take control of every thrust. Nothing beats the merging of a take charge bottom and a top who knows how to use his cock.

Real House Husbands Of Miami - Angel Rock

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